All Posts by Ann Tardy

This week’s episode involved Coach Lasso helping the team’s captain Isaac McAdoo get his mojo back. Isaac had been perpetually berating his team for their poor performance, blaming them, and no longer enjoying the game.

Coach Lasso enlisted the recently retired team captain Roy Kent to mentor Isaac, the new team captain.

But Roy is a curmudgeon who habitually sneers and scoffs at any whiff of inconvenience.

Begrudgingly he agreed to help once. Roy brought Isaac to a neighborhood soccer game to remind him that soccer is a game they both played as kids because it was fun… even when they got their feelings hurt.

“[Forget] your feelings, [forget] your overthinking, [forget] all that b.s. Go back out there and have some [freaking] fun!” Roy bellowed at Isaac.

Isaac did just that, and Roy unexpectedly discovered the satisfaction of making a difference. 

Strategically, while Roy was mentoring Isaac, Coach Lasso was mentoring Roy. He hoped Roy would join the team to mentor all the soccer players, but he knew he couldn’t convince Roy. Roy needed to convince himself.

Typically when people resist mentoring others, it’s because they don’t know why or how. Roy didn’t know why he should care, if his mentoring would matter, or how to mentor… until he actually mentored Isaac.

When you want someone to mentor you, create an opportunity for them to experience mentoring, and then allow them to discover for themselves the joy of making an impact.

How?

1. Identify someone you would like to emulate.
2. Share a situation and ask for their perspective.
3. Experiment with their advice.
4. Follow up to share your experience and insights.
5. Acknowledge the difference they made.
6. Ask for more advice.

If you want someone’s mentoring, you might have to mentor them to mentor you! 

© 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com

The Contact Theory in action.

In 1954, social psychologist Gordon Allport published his interpersonal Contact Theory arguing that contact is one of the most effective ways to reduce prejudice and conflict in groups.

According to Allport, contact allows people to decrease or eliminate the assumptions, stereotypes, and anxiety that naturally occur among diverse groups of people.

He originated his theory around desegregation after WWII. Subsequently, social scientists and psychologists have applied Contact Theory to improve relations among groups diverse by age, gender, race, functions, and even personalities.

According to Contact Theory, four conditions are required to make the contact a valuable interaction where people learn about each other:

1. Shared goals
2. Common interests
3. Safety
4. Institutional support

This experience reduces preconceptions and increases empathy, thereby mitigating conflict.

Ironically, however, our natural inclination when in conflict with anyone is to avoid contact with that person, not seek it.

So how can we foster contact – even when there is an undercurrent of conflict or judgment? How can we promote the conversations essential to decreasing impatience, insularity, and intolerance?

Mentoring. Mentoring is fueled by shared goals, kindled through common interests; it demands emotional safety and thrives with institutional support.

To prioritize contact in any mentoring situation:

• Engage video, not just the phone
• Turn on the camera (even if you’re not “camera-ready!”)
• Start with small talk, evolve to large talk
• Lean in with your curiosity
• Leave out your preconceptions
• Aim for understanding

In our increasingly disconnected and contactless world, we should not be surprised that conflict is on the rise. It’s inevitable. But when we’re starved for connection, compassion, and collaboration, we must intentionally create contact.

© 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com

Albert proposed that the secret of success is forming the habit of doing things that others don’t like to do. He argued that successful people drive toward an outcome, while others choose comfort or ease.

Olympic athletes illustrate this concept. Their commitment to greatness consistently overrides any feelings of disinclination or discontent.

My favorite line in Albert’s speech is, “Habits form futures. If you do not deliberately form good habits, then unconsciously you will form bad ones.”

For example, when I’m working on ambitious goals, like cycling across the country or writing a book, I lean into good habits. I wake up at 5 am to train or write. I drink plenty of water, eat healthy foods, and eliminate time wasters from my routine.

But when my ambition is not on a mission, I quickly make excuses: “I’m tired. I deserve to relax. It’s too cold. It’s too hot. I’m too busy.”

Further in Albert’s speech, he said, “You are the kind of man you are because you have formed the habit of being that kind of man.”

In other words, you have the results you have because of the habits you maintain.

So, if you desire different results, adopt different habits.

What kind of habits? That depends on the results you want. Perhaps:

• Organizational habits
• Time management habits
• Self-promotional habits
• Communication habits
• Relationship-building habits
• Delegation habits
• Follow-up habits

The key to taking action is the hunger for a different result.

If you are happy with the results in your life, then congratulations! You have suitable habits!

But if you desire different results, then you need different habits.

Because your habits create your future.

© 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com

My first instinct was to blast the barista for making a mistake. (Dang! I love being right!)

But I tried something new instead… Space and Grace.

I said to her with genuine kindness and utmost curiosity, “Does that price seem high to you for the drink I ordered?”

She paused, looked at the register again, and gushed, “Yikes! I chose the wrong item! I apologize!”

And then we shared a laugh over the idea of a $7 hot chocolate!

I’ve noticed lately that my empathy muscle is atrophying. I’m showing up with a bit too much Bite and Fight – ready to attack a person instead of the problem.

So I’m experimenting with a different approach that has me ready for connection instead of confrontation, joy instead of judgment.

Space and Grace.

Space allows the other person to figure it out – whether it’s a project, a challenge, or an error.

This strategy, however, is enormously challenging for us, high-functioning managers, because we can easily do the task or fix the problem ourselves! But rushing to rescue a situation broadcasts our distrust that anyone would be able to get it done or fixed without us.

Grace extends patience and compassion instead of criticism and indictment as the person grapples with the situation or challenge. It’s choosing to be kind in the moment instead of intolerant.

Space allows someone the chance to be successful.
Grace allows them to grow and develop in the process.

But for Space and Grace to work, there must be a foundation of clear expectations assigned to the task, project, or challenge at hand – an agreement around deliverables and deadlines. Without expectations, Space and Grace leave people to flounder and flop.

Whether you’re managing or mentoring, Space and Grace will always outshine and outclass Bite and Fight.

© 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com

I’m in awe of the island’s history, its timelessness, its beauty, its butterflies, its snakes, its beaches, its sunrises, and its every-stranger-is-a-friend lifestyle.

And while, of course, I’m grateful to be here, gratitude never galvanizes the way awe does.

Awe jolts us out of our lackluster routine! Being gobsmacked by the world helps us see things in a new light.

According to the dictionary, awe induces “feelings of reverential respect, mixed with fear or wonder.” In awe, we are amazed and surprised.

But I want to be amazed and surprised every day! I want to experience jaw-dropping, eye-widening, eyebrow-raising, inhaling moments daily, even when I’m not on vacation.

We can! And research shows that we should. Awe:

• decreases inflammation in the body
• connects us to humanity
• inspires generosity and cooperation
• slows down the clock by immersing us in moments
• decreases our materialism
• sharpens our critical thinking
• improves our mood and satisfaction with life

So, what evokes awe (other than being on vacation)? Experiences outside of our routine that engender feelings of connectedness and a sense of being part of something greater.

For example, puppies, babies, art, music, breathtaking vistas, towering trees, dazzling stars, beautiful architecture, witnessing bravery or goodwill, viewing inspiring movies, listening to moving speeches, watching Olympians in action.

Feeling wonderstruck is like moving from a microscope to a telescope, marveling at the vastness of life.

So, how do we trigger awe? Deliberately.

• Keep a wonderstruck log – what or who astonished you today?
• Take awe walks – look for nature, art, architecture, or kindness
• Seek out awe-inspiring stories and people
• Look for awe-inspiring images
• Acknowledge others’ awe-inspiring acts of generosity, courage, and greatness at work and in the world
• Be marveled by your own accomplishments, benevolence, boldness, and excellence

Gratitude is an expectation. Awe is an experience!

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” ~ Albert Einstein

© 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com

I have repeated this expression countless times in my life to encourage me and others to act in the face of trepidation.

This week, I’ve dragged it out to nudge a few clients to take a chance and implement a change. Because they are committed to improving situations and making a difference.

But like many of us, they battle resistance from bosses, stakeholders, and upper management.

Of course, this leads me to prod, “Don’t ask for permission. Ask for forgiveness!”

Strangely, however, every time this advice came out of my mouth this week, it left a bad taste.

Why? Because I realized that a request for forgiveness succeeds an apology. And I don’t want to encourage my intrepid leaders to apologize for improving situations and making a difference.

This seek-forgiveness concept presupposes that they will have to apologize for being courageous. And it assumes that stakeholders will be so delighted with the outcome, they will overlook the irreverence.

Regardless, we should never have to apologize for our courage.

Yesterday, I was sharing with my client Allie my newfound irritation with “ask for forgiveness,” along with my quest to find a more empowering conclusion to that charge.

Without hesitation and with a bit of audacity, Allie said, “How about… ‘You’re welcome.'”

(And just like that, my spunky, younger-generation-than-me client mentored me!)

Wow! Those two words can carry quite a punch:

• “You’re welcome for the improvements I made to the situation.”
• “You’re welcome for leading regardless of my title.”
• “You’re welcome for valiantly changing what no one else had the guts or grit to change.”
• “You’re welcome for helping you get unstuck.”
• “You’re welcome for making a difference.”

Don’t ask for permission. Say, you’re welcome.

© 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com

Impatiently, I said, “We’ll wait… but what about that one?” and I pointed to an empty table outside.

“That one is not available,” he responded. I was getting visibly frustrated.

And then, unruffled, he said something that completely diffused me. With respect, generosity, and kindness, he looked directly at me and said, “Thanks for understanding.” And then he walked away.

He didn’t apologize or scramble to appease me. And he didn’t seem to care if I liked him. Instead, he just matter-of-factly said, “Thanks for understanding.”

This simple remark immediately interrupted my impatient, judge-y, downward spiral of emotional unintelligence.

I faced a choice:

• I could correct him in a bratty fit of resistance. “Actually, I am not a patient, understanding person!”
• Or, I could be the patient, understanding person who he just acknowledged.

By recognizing my ability to understand the lack-of-available-table circumstances, he (brilliantly!) appreciated and valued a quality that I believe about myself.

This is called “Positive Mirroring.” His recognition reinforced the positive view I have of myself. Instantly, I wanted to demonstrate to him that I am patient and understanding!

What a powerful tool!

As leaders and mentors, we can engage this strategy to help others feel valued, appreciated, and seen while also nudging them to be bigger, better, bolder versions of themselves!

Thanks for improving. Thanks for leading. Thanks for preparing. Thanks for being organized. Thanks for thinking it through. Thanks for following up. Thanks for being a champion.

See people as they want to be seen, and they will show up as the person they genuinely want to be.

© 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com

I delighted in helping my start-up clients launch and grow their companies. But I increasingly disliked arguing with opposing counsel over contract provisions that did not support a business deal our clients needed.

Focused on the commas in the contract, we quickly lost sight of the big picture!

Author Dan Pink in his book A Whole New Mind, introduced me to one of my favorite questions: Does it matter, or does it merely annoy?

A valuable query to spark the quest for a broader perspective!

I spoke with a leader recently who was fighting a peer over a policy change. He called me to think it out loud and instead argued why he was right and the policy should remain.

When he took a breath, I asked, “Does it really matter, or does it merely annoy you?”

He stopped.

I continued mentoring, “Who cares if the policy is changed? Is there an impact on your success or the company’s success? Or does something about this situation or person bother you?”

He finally admitted, “I don’t like my peer. She’s a snake.”

I responded, “But you’re wasting your time, energy, and political resources fighting someone for something that doesn’t make a difference.”

He acquiesced, the policy was changed uneventfully, and everyone moved on to more significant issues.

Leaders constantly complain that people don’t see the big picture. But when our daily tasks hijack our attention, we don’t routinely see the big picture.

To grasp the whole situation, we must deliberately look for it.

Questions to help us, our people, and our mentees focus on the broader perspective:

• What is most important to the success of the organization?
• What is the impact of this issue/decision on the organization?
• Does this issue/decision matter to the organization’s success?
• Am I wasting time and energy on a situation or someone who merely aggravates me?

When we’re staring at the lollipop, we can easily forget that we’re standing in a candy factory!

© 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com