All Posts by Ann Tardy

But they are a bit anxious about getting enough Mentors signed up to meet the demand. Their concern? People are “too busy” and “burned out.”

Ironically, that is often why people do mentor!

If you are invited to participate in a formal mentoring program or informally by an individual, consider the 13 reasons to mentor:

1. You want to be a leader.
Leaders share their wisdom to help others grow. Don’t wait for a leadership title! Be a mentor and start leading immediately.

2. You want to strengthen your leadership skills.
Mentoring offers a safe space to practice essential leadership skills such as encouraging new ways of thinking, developing a strategic direction, offering feedback and guidance, influencing growth and accountability, and recognizing excellence.

3. You miss feeling connected in this disconnected time.
This work-from-home-or-behind-a-mask environment demands the intentionality and structure of mentoring to stay connected to and engaged with colleagues.

4. You are eager to learn and grow.
Through the experience of mentoring others, you expand your own perspective, challenge your own assumptions, spark your own confidence, rethink your own goals, and improve your own problem-solving.

I thanked a very busy nurse today for mentoring two new nurses, and she responded immediately, “It’s a blessing both ways! I’m learning so much!”

5. You want to resurrect and reinforce your insights and learnings.
As management guru Peter Drucker said, “No one learns as much about a subject as one who is forced to teach it.” By articulating your own wisdom for a Mentee, you will fortify it for yourself.

6. You feel a need to rekindle your passion for your profession.
A nurse Mentor reflected recently, “Being a mentor renewed my love of nursing! Reminded me why I chose this career!”

7. You were inspired by someone else’s generosity toward you.
You feel altruistically compelled to pay it forward because someone mentored you.

8. … or you wish someone had mentored you.
You have the opportunity to make the experience a bit better for the next person.

9. You want to help your team/department/organization.
Whether the mentoring program is focused on onboarding new people, retaining good people, or preparing eager people to transition, your participation has a strategic impact.

10. You crave a little more joy on the job.
A new connection and some fresh conversations can break the monotony of meetings and give you something fun to anticipate.

11. You like giving advice.
…and you want to give it to someone hungry to get it and ready to take action on it!

12. You are committed to leading by example.
Dr. Laurie Ecoff, VP of Nursing Excellence at Sharp Healthcare, Adjunct Professor at UCSD, and President of ACNL (Association of California Nurse Leaders), is always the first to sign up to mentor and the first to attend every mentoring program event. When I inquired why someone as stretched as she makes time to participate, she said she sets an example through her actions.

13. You want to make a difference.
With mentoring, you will always make a difference for someone else.

“I’m not a teacher, but an awakener.” ~ Robert Frost, poet

© 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com

But my dad was a prolific micro-mentor.

Micro-mentoring: sharing wisdom in atomically small moments.

My dad read four different newspapers each day, intentionally seeking a variety of perspectives. Always in print. Never online.

Invariably while reading these papers, he would find an article that he thought would contribute to my current adventure. When I enrolled in law school, he noticed articles on law firms. When I moved to San Francisco, he looked for articles about the golden state. When I started my own business, he found articles on entrepreneurship.

He would clip the article, write at the top, “Ann – FYI. Dad,” and then mail it to me. Typically, I’d receive a newspaper clipping once a week.

Every time my dad sent an article, he thought of me, encouraged my journey, shared a fresh idea or perspective, and sent me a resource.

Unfortunately, perhaps due to maturity, I didn’t always recognize or appreciate it. But he was undeterred, as all great mentors are.

Today, I realize the value of micro-mentoring and often emulate his practice.

To start micro-mentoring:

• Identify someone you want to contribute to, like a peer, employee, or mentee.
• Reflect on their current situation, transition, or passion project.
• Look for wisdom to share in the form of books, articles, videos, social media posts, connections, or even cartoons or memes.
• Use the shared piece as a springboard for a conversation or exploration.

Interestingly when my mom started dating again, she met (and married) Allan, also versed in micro-mentoring. Today, Allan regularly sends me links to articles (but in this decade, I receive them via text).

And now I can recognize the effort, appreciate the contribution, and deliberately leverage the nuggets of wisdom.

© 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com

Invariably, they would respond, “Fine.” “Good.” “OK.”

Feeling very clever, I’d be ready with my retort, “Why was it fine/good/OK?”

Of course, they would try to derail me with, “I don’t know.”

Undeterred, I’d prolong this maddening, ineffective interrogation with, “If you did know, what would you say?”

They would stare at me dumbfounded. So, I’d try a different angle, “What was something funny that happened at school today?”

Inevitably, I would get, “Nothing.”

This awkward dance went round and round. And yet, I rarely learned anything new, and none of us felt connected in the exchange.

Now that my stepkids are adulting, I have new targets: my nephew Joaquin and my niece Lulu, 14 and 12, respectively. Like with my stepkids, I deliberately develop my relationship with Joaquin and Lulu.

The three of us went out to dinner last week, and I experimented with a different approach.

I said to Joaquin, “Tell me about homecoming.”
He regaled me with all the details.

I said to Lulu, “Tell me about your swim meet.”
She shared her triumphant adventures in the pool.

I said to Joaquin, “Tell me about high school.”
He gushed, “Aunt Ann! It’s so interesting! In grade school, they treated us like dogs. In middle school, they treated us like children. In high school, they treat us like adults. There are so many choices every day – classes, activities, clothing, food! There’s even a coffee shop!”

Had I simply asked, “How is school?” I probably would not have been rewarded with his reflection.

So now, I’ve been testing this approach with others.

“Tell me about your day,” I say to my husband as we cook. And I learn what’s weighing on him.
“Tell me about your vacation,” I said to a friend. And she excitedly explained her itinerary.
“Tell me about your weekend,” I said to another friend. And I learned about her experiences visiting colleges with her son.

“How are you?” “How’s your day?” “How’s it going?” are polite, transitory greetings. They don’t even necessitate a reply.

Whereas “Tell me about…” conveys sincere curiosity and a commitment to engage. It invites intentional, colorful conversation to which the other person often reveals what is most important to them. But it also demands a genuine interest in whatever is shared.

Even in casual conversations, people crave significance.

“How’s it going?” doesn’t demonstrate importance. But “Tell me about…” communicates to the other person that they matter.

© 2021. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com

What made Koko famous was her ability to communicate using American Sign Language. Koko knew more than 1,000 signs and could understand approximately 2,000 words spoken in English. Her vocabulary equaled that of a 3-year-old human.

Koko used language the same way people do, even deploying her language skills to avoid responsibility.

One morning, video cameras captured Koko playing around in her cage and sitting on the sink. Due to her weight, the sink ripped away from the wall. Later, when her caregiver asked her about it, Koko blatantly lied by signing, “Kate did it.”

She accused Kate, the assistant trainer!

It seems that deflecting blame to avoid responsibility is a tactic we’ve been leveraging since before we could walk upright.

Because responsibility feels like a gateway to judgment and criticism, it’s understandable that our first reaction is to declare, “Not my fault!” and then point the finger at someone else.

Likewise, no one wants to be schooled or shamed into accepting responsibility or embracing constructive criticism. Even “holding people accountable” feels pejorative.

People need a reason to own their actions. The best reason? To improve their future.

When you hear blaming, excusing, justifying, rationalizing, or defending, ask:

• What would you do differently next time?
• What can we do in the future to prevent this?
• What have we learned that we can use?
• What’s our next step?
• Despite this mistake / disappointment / miscommunication / frustration / issue / error / setback, what do we need to do to attain the outcome we want?

Accountability is the maturity to own our past actions in order to create and improve our future ones. Koko didn’t get it, but we can!

© 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com

I asked Lue, our Director of Operations, to cover one of those meetings for me – a strategic session with the mentoring program team at a hospital.

When we connected afterward for a debrief, Lue expressed joy from her great meeting!

The team requested some changes to their mentoring program, and Lue earnestly said, “Yes! We can do that!” And then, she implemented the changes in the meeting for the team to see.

I heard the pride in Lue’s voice as she shared her experience – she had delighted this client!

But my knee-jerk reaction killed that joy. I blurted, “Oh no! Jane [the program lead’s boss] will not like that we made changes for one hospital but not all of them!”

Lue was apologetic but also defensive. She thought she had served the client well.

And then it hit me… Lue led that meeting exactly as I would have. 

She has seen me lead client meetings a thousand times. I constantly say, “Yes! We can do that!” I enjoy making changes for a team to see while we’re meeting. And I’m always excited to surprise and delight our clients.

Lue didn’t just handle the meeting by herself. She filled my shoes!

But I’m not surprised. She has been observing me in action for two years. As a result, I have been inadvertently mentoring her.

Had I paused to recognize this before I asked Lue to handle the meeting for me, I could have intentionally mentored her. I could have provided her the context she needed and prepared her with a strategy.

So, I owed Lue an apology. I managed, but I forgot to mentor.

When we’re distracted managing expectations, we forget our teams learn by observing and modeling us. If we are committed to being better bosses, we must acknowledge this inadvertent mentoring and strengthen it with intentional mentoring. 

Lue figured out how to fill my shoes by watching me, but next time I’m committed to providing her with the shoelaces.

© 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com

Abel was convicted, and the CIA harassed Donovan to breach attorney-client privilege by revealing his conversations with Abel, which he refused to do.

In one scene with Donovan, Abel reflected: “You remind me of the man that used to come to our house when I was young.”

Abel continued, “This one time, I was at the age of your son, our house was overrun by partisan border guards. Dozens of them. My father was beaten, my mother was beaten, and this man, my father’s friend, he was beaten.

“And I watched this man. Every time they hit him, he stood back up again. So they hit him harder. Still, he got back to his feet. I think because of this, they stopped the beating. They let him live.

“‘Stoikiy muzhik,’ I remember them saying. ‘Stoikiy muzhik.’ Which sort of means, ‘standing man’…”

I frequently hear people complain about the lack of accountability in their organizations. But I rarely hear people talk about their own accountability.

Unfortunately, the word “accountability” has become loaded with confusion and a predisposition to indict. Dissected, it means able to account; willing to accept responsibility without condemning others; and owning one’s actions… regardless of circumstances, 

Standing Man.

He did not succumb to his situation. He did not blame or justify inaction with excuses. Standing Man accepted responsibility for his own actions despite the actions of the patrol guards. He persevered. 

Arguably, work would work better if we were among Standing Men (and Women). If everyone else would just be accountable…

But that’s the paradox of accountability.

• We cannot expect others to accept responsibility for their actions if we are unwilling to accept our own.
• We cannot demand others to engage without accusations and excuses if we are incapable of modeling such behavior.
• We cannot ask people to own their commitments, actions, and feelings if we refuse to do the same.

To embolden the Standing Man, we must first be the Standing Man.

onward,

© 2021. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com