I’ve been inhaling Alan Alda’s book, If I Understood You, Would I Have This Look on My Face?
Besides having an irreverent title, it’s a valuable book on relating and communicating.
In it Alan Alda proposes two game-changing concepts to help us bridge the ever-increasing chasm between people who attempt to communicate with each other:
1. It’s not your job to understand me.
Essentially, if I’m communicating information, I am responsible for making sure you understand it. If I tell you something without ensuring that you got it (received it and understood it), then I didn’t really communicate.
Bottom line… I am 100% responsible for my communications.
As such, I need to ensure that…
- I am not mumbling or talking too fast
- I write clearly and without assumptions
- I am able to synthesize information (remember: start with bullets!)
- You have the requisite context for the topic
- You understand any lingo, jargon, or acronyms I choose to use
- My email, text, IM, memo, tweet, or letter actually made it to you
As the speaker, it is my job to make sure you follow. It is not your job to catch up.
- Unless I’m willing to be changed by you, I’m probably not really listening.
Real communication does not occur if I’m simply waiting for my turn to talk.I need to approach the conversation like an improv exercise.This requires me to:
- Suspend what I already know about the topic
- Let go of what I expect to happen in our exchange
- Stay present (not mind-wander or text)
- Be eager to discover where you take the conversation with your contribution
Ultimately, we get to create conversation together.
Imagine the shift in discourse at work and in life if we approached each other with these two simple, yet powerful principles of communication.