Listen to their Listening (or Just Stop Speaking)
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All Posts by Ann Tardy
You’re Perfect and You Could Improve
Soto Zen Buddhist monk Shunryu Suzuki said…
“You are perfect just as you are, and you could use a little improvement.”
There’s nothing wrong with us!
Yet our world constantly reminds us that we are broken and need fixing:
- Report cards: here’s your grade and where you fell short
- Commercials: here’s what’s wrong with you and how our product will fix it
- Feedback: here’s my “constructive criticism” to change you
But if we start with the notion that we are perfect as we are, we could springboard from our strengths, instead of flail from our flaws.
With “perfect as we are” as our anchor, we can enthusiastically seek suggestions, feedback, ideas, and input from others by asking, “How can I improve from here?”
Without a need to defensively protect our ego, we can welcome suggestions and ideas, not as judgments or criticisms, but as contributions and building blocks. Each block helping us to become bigger, better, bolder versions of ourselves – to be even more perfect.
So how do we get a little improvement? By seeking advice, perspectives, and ideas from others through:
- mentoring and being mentored
- coaching and being coached
- attending classes and trainings
- reading voraciously
- joining mastermind groups
Now consider using this mindset to lead others: our people are perfect as they are, and they could use a little improvement. From here our job is to add the building blocks that contribute to our people being bigger, better, bolder versions of themselves. That’s the secret to becoming the boss people want to work for!
All by starting with perfect and improving from there…
Add Some Gusto to that Gratitude!
Woo-hoo! The annual holiday to be more grateful has arrived!
And every year, experts apprise us of all the benefits we could reap personally by being more grateful: lower blood pressure, less stress, better sleep, stronger mental clarity, happiness…
But what about the influence that being grateful can have on others?
There are two behavioral theories that get triggered when we acknowledge and appreciate others:
1. Self-Delusion Bias
2. Spotlight Effect
Self-Delusion Bias People who feel good about themselves tend to perform better. When we express gratitude by acknowledging someone, we fuel their self-esteem and boost their confidence. And with boosted confidence, people exert even more effort in hopes of obtaining more self-esteem fuel.
Spotlight Effect People who feel their actions are noticed (“spotlighted”) by someone tend to operate more effectively just to impress the person watching. When we express gratitude by appreciating someone’s actions, we spotlight that action.
Just by noticing, we spark that person’s desire to perform that action even better in hopes that we continue to notice and spotlight that action again.
The secret, however, is in the specificity. Running around yelling “Thanks, Bob!” “Thanks, Mary!” is ineffective because it feels contrived and insincere. How? We need to put some gusto in our gratitude!
- Thank you for the way you always make us healthy dinners.
- I appreciate the difference you make on the team with your solutions.
- I am grateful for your perseverance in getting us the right answer.
- I am in awe of your constant kindness toward strangers.
If we want our gratitude to be significant and ripple with impact beyond the holidays, we need to add a little gusto to our gratitude!
What If We Were Evaluated Only On Our Passion?
One of my favorite movie lines can be heard at the end of the romantic comedy, Serendipity: “The Greeks didn’t write obituaries. They only asked one question after a man died: ‘Did he have passion?'”
* (This is partially true and partially Hollywood. The founders of Cyrenaic (435-356 BC) held this philosophy and they were Greek. But this practice was not true of all Greeks.)
What if we were evaluated only by our passion?
- Would we spend our time differently at home and at the office?
- How would we have to act and behave if passion was a requirement of our job?
- Would we still prioritize our emails and altercations, or our impact and contributions?
- Would we focus more on the output we deliver or the outcome we influence?
If passion were revered and valued at work, would we add it as a leadership competency and evaluate it during the annual performance review: “So Bob, how should we rate your passion this year?” … and perhaps reinvent the exit interview: “So Bob, did you have passion while you worked at our company?”
But what is passion? Intense enthusiasm, energy, and tenacity for something that excites us. Typically it manifests as:
- unquenchable desire and devotion
- an internal drive regardless of circumstances
- dogged determination to make a difference
- intrepid risk-taking in spite of doubters, naysayers, critics, and judges
- obsession with improving: self, others, processes, products, profits
- courage to challenge mediocrity, complacency, and the status quo
So what should do we do if we would fail the Greek’s obituary-test today?
Start creating passion… in moments. Soon enough, the moments will add up to define a passionate life. And even the Greeks won’t need to write an obituary about us!
Lose (and Lead) with Class Like Penn State Coach
After a 7-0 winning streak this season, Penn State’s football team suffered two back-to-back losses, most recently against Michigan State University. When the game ended in defeat, a few devastated Penn State players retreated toward the locker room without shaking hands with the MSU players. Incensed, Penn State Coach James Franklin ran after them and made his players return to the field to acknowledge the winners. In his post-game press conference, Franklin proclaimed, “We win with class. We lose with class. And we are going to shake people’s hands and give them credit because they deserved it.” Coach Franklin invoked two powerful influences:
- Social Cognitive Theory
- Labeling Theory
Social Cognitive Theory People observe the actions and behaviors of their role models to mold their own actions and behaviors. Children watch their parents. Employees watch their boss. Football players watch their coach. Through his action immediately after the game and his behavior during the press conference, Coach Franklin demonstrated for his players the importance of acknowledging the winning team’s performance. And he articulated his intolerance for disrespecting others. Labeling Theory People who are labeled (especially by role models) tend to mold their actions and behaviors to fit that label. Coach Franklin labeled his team “classy” and “respectful,” likely emboldening concordant actions from his players. We all have the power to influence others with our own actions and behaviors. By…
- exuding passion
- acting with integrity and consistency
- respecting and standing up for others
- recognizing and appreciating efforts
- using empowering labels intentionally
Inadvertently, Coach Franklin demonstrated for the rest of us what it means to lead with class.
What You Tolerate and Promote is What You Get
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The Secret to Good Drivers and Bosses ….Predictability
In August when a van crossed directly in my path like a deer, I didn’t see it …until I crashed into it. The airbags went off, my car was destroyed. It was completely unpredictable. (Fortunately, no one was hurt.)
It’s predictability that allows thousands of drivers to safely traverse freeways at 70mph during rush hour. We can predict what other drivers are going to do because of their break lights, their turn signal indicators, and even their horns.
But when a car races by like Mario Andretti, dodging between vehicles without any indication, we are all forced to deal with the driver’s unpredictability. This causes fear, anger, and sometimes accidents.
Similarly, it’s our unpredictability as a boss that causes the most challenges for our teams.
When people can predict how we will operate, they can better engage with and support us. But when we change lanes without warning, our unpredictability causes frustration, aggravation, and often conflict. And this fractures the foundation of trust we need to lead.
What makes us unpredictable? Our…
- foggy communications
- unclear expectations
- failure to respond or share information
- emotional outbursts
- unexplained changes
- lack of follow-up and accountability
As an example, when we change directions without any conversation or get mad at someone without any explanation, we are like a bad driver changing lanes without signaling.
By becoming more predictable through our communications, we can not only foster more effective relationships, we can actually develop people in the process. How? Sharing our approach to various situations and decisions actually allows others to learn and improve.
Ultimately, when we are predictable in relationships, we can best respond, support, and serve each other’s success. Predictability makes driving cars, teams, and families actually work …without accidents.
Could the Law of Polarity Make Us More Compassionate?
| The Law of Polarity states that everything has a polar opposite.
In physics, polarity is a basic feature of the universe. Positive and negative forces are foundational to the structure of every atom. If everything has a polar opposite, then perhaps…
Maybe the struggle we have lies in our failure to contemplate a solution or consider an opposing opinion. As an example, Peter and Mary work as sales reps at an event company that just implemented a new policy whereby customers will not be charged for cancellations. Peter is frustrated by the policy. He orders lunches and copies based on reservations. Why should he have to pay for no-shows? And how could he possibly manage his sales with such uncertainty? This policy makes it super easy for people to cancel. Mary has the polar opposite perspective and approach. Mary is enthusiastic about the policy because of its ability to attract customers. In every sales conversation, she excitedly shares the benefit of working with her company: people can register now to save their seat and cancel any time. This policy makes it super easy for people to commit. Mary’s sales have gone up, while Peter’s have gone down. Same policy. Opposing perspectives.
Of course, all of this requires that we suspend our judgment about a policy, situation, or person in favor of contemplation, consideration, and compassion. |