All Posts by Ann Tardy

Before declining or dreading invitations, consider holiday gatherings a great opportunity to practice connecting with curiosity and compassion – a coveted skill that makes us better mentors, leaders, and human beings.

Here are 7 hip pocket phrases that will help us influence, not just tolerate, these affairs:

1.  You look terrific.
People are constantly worried about how they look, and the holidays bring an added layer of fear. With a (genuine) compliment, we can put people at ease and instantly help them feel good about themselves. When people operate from fear, meet them with generosity.

2. You’re amazing.
Ask people about their recent adventures or experiences, and then express kudos! People appreciate the spotlight.

3. Interesting, tell me more.
Especially useful when you don’t agree with a point of view being shared about politics or religion. You don’t have to change your mind, but neither do they. Simply be fascinated by a different perspective.

4. How can I help?
”Do you need help?” can feel contrived, so the answer is typically, “No.” Instead ask, “How can I help? or “What can I do for you?” to signal your intention to contribute.

5. I understand.
Helping people feel heard can quickly disarm their defenses. (And it doesn’t mean you have to agree with them!)

6. We’ll figure it out.
Nothing ever goes as planned – that’s how holidays work. Give people permission to rebound without pressure.

7. I appreciate…
Let’s rejuvenate the obligatory “thank you!” By adding context, sharing impact, and experimenting with new words, we give people pause to recognize the appreciation. “I’m grateful for our friendship. I appreciate the time we spend together. Our conversations bring me joy.”

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To my 11,383 readers, I’m grateful for our weekly connections. You inspire me with your commitment to make a difference in your roles as boss, mentor, peer, and human being!

Wishing you a happy (and more than tolerable) Thanksgiving!

Busy being busy often results because:

• We harbor a fear of missing out.
• We don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings (people pleasers unite!).
• We lack clear boundaries.

So how can we say “No” in a way that maintains our relationship,  doesn’t require a litany of excuses and apologies,  and communicates an interest in future opportunities?

Grab a go-to-no statement! Here’s the formula:

1. Say yes! to the Person
2. Say no! to the Invitation
3. Say yes! to the Future

Go-to-No examples:

• “I’m so flattered. Unfortunately it doesn’t work for me. Next time!”
• “Thank you for thinking of me! I’m bummed I’m unable to participate. Let’s try again soon!”
• “I would have loved to! I’m disappointed that I have to pass. Rain check?”
• “That sounds amazing! Regrettably it’s not the right fit for me. Please consider me in the future.”

Then be silent. For typically when we reject an offer, we rush to justify: “Oooh! I’m so sorry. I can’t. I have to work on this project, speak on a panel, attend a meeting, join that call, and go to a conference…”

Instead, practice filling the silence with more silence. We don’t owe evidence or explanations to back up our boundaries.

When we project authenticity and graciousness while illuminating our borders with simplicity and confidence, people will respect our “No” – they won’t demand to verify our calendar.

Chaos leaves people confused and insecure, while clarity strengthens trust and relationships.

When busy being busy becomes the norm, it might be time to practice the joy of missing out!

To better understand how zookeepers relate to their work and the influence that has on their happiness, researchers interviewed 982 zookeepers from 157 zoos across the US and Canada.

They discovered:

• Zookeepers who describe their job as “picking up poop and cleaning cages” hate their jobs.
• Zookeepers who describe their job as “protecting the world’s wildlife and educating the public about animals” love their job, see it as their calling, and would do it for free.

Ultimately zookeepers who recognize a purpose in their work are more likely to regard their work as meaningful and important.

I noticed the power of purpose when my mom started volunteering at the Northern Illinois Food Bank after retiring.

Every Tuesday she spends the afternoon with other volunteers bundling various donated foods for distribution to shelters and other feeding programs around the state. Some days she’s packing potatoes, other days she’s weighing rice or sorting cans of tuna.

At the end of each shift, the Food Bank gathers the volunteers to report and celebrate their results. For example, this week she helped to pack 2,460 pounds of food which will provide 2,050 meals.

And as they leave, each volunteer receives a thank you notecard with these numbers.

Why? Because the Food Bank operation depends on its volunteers. And volunteers who know they made a difference will volunteer again. So the Food Bank routinely connects the task to the impact to demonstrate to volunteers that packing potatoes is meaningful and important.

By articulating a purpose, the Food Bank illuminates the why behind their work.

• Do you pick up poop or protect the world’s wildlife?
• Do you pack potatoes or feed hungry neighbors?

Never underestimate the power of purpose to fuel job love!

We spent time on our body language and our voice; but it was our work on words that highlighted the various ways we shrink instead of shine.

We explored how our notorious use of Apology Words (“I’m sorry”) and Filler Words (“umm, you know, like, you know what I mean”) depletes our power. We could easily elevate our communication skills simply by preventing these words from polluting our speech.

And then there is the insidious group of words that we allow to undermine our power: Protector Words.

What are protector words? Words that we add to our sentences to protect us from other people’s judgment and criticism.

Fear and doubt trigger our reliance on Protector Words.

• This might be a dumb question…
• You may have already covered this…
• As you might already know…
• I’m not sure if…
• I don’t know how many of you have seen this, but…

And pay attention to the shrewd Protector Words that sneak into our vernacular habitually:

• Just (“I just wanted to reach out.”)
• I think (“I think we should choose this one.”)

Notice how pervasively the words “just” and “I think” appear in our conversations and emails.

All of these phrases seem innocuous. So what’s the issue? Protector Words signal a lack of confidence and conviction… like a sucker-punch to our power!

What should we do instead? Intentionally eliminate them and stand courageously behind our words: “I am reaching out to you.” “We should choose this one.”

Will we still be judged and criticized? Of course! But we’d be judged and criticized even if we didn’t say anything.

Our power is bolstered when we lead with confidence and conviction, not fear and doubt.

Here’s what Jean shared:

”I was laid off from the company in November 2018. I knew my life direction needed a refresh. I decided to go for my dream: live and work abroad. I called this my Grand Adventure.

“Bound for the unknown, I was unsure if I was up for the challenge. People thought I was crazy!

”Every day hasn’t been full of roses, but I feel very much alive and stronger than I ever imagined.”

Psychology magazine editor Hara Estroff Marano observed in her column recently, “It’s called self-esteem because only you can do things to lift it.”

As Jean discovered, the way to boost your self-esteem is to challenge yourself and to do some things differently.

By trying new things, we uncover new things about ourselves, like our own strength.

When we approach situations with courage, tenacity, and resilience, we impress ourselves. And we quickly realize that our comfort zone actually stretches.

Ultimately it’s through experiences that we elevate our self-esteem. 

Jean’s comfort zone screamed:

• I should find another job in corporate America
• What will people think?
• What do I know about living abroad?
• What if it doesn’t work?

But she dared:

• My family and friends will come around
• I’ll find a job
• I’ll figure it out
• I want an adventure

When we stop relying on that which is familiar, comfortable, and safe, we can create various Grand Adventures and fuel our own self-esteem in the process.

Old keys never open new doors.

Middleton writes, “Everyone buys something for the positive future it will bring them.” 

This is also our job as leaders: to sell our people a positive future.

Routinely we are responsible for doling out tasks, setting expectations, holding people accountable, and giving feedback on how people accomplished those tasks. We might even offer some coaching or mentoring to develop their skills to do those tasks more effectively or efficiently.

But we can do better. Instead of merely managing their tasks, let’s start connecting those tasks to the positive future it will bring them. Let’s talk about the contribution their work has on creating the future they want for their careers, for the team, and for the company.

The key is to position their efforts as the gateway to that positive future.

How to sell the future:

• Offer Context – explain the why behind the work
• Provide Perspective – share your vision
• Identify Goals – discover how they want to grow
• Anchor Tasks to Goals – demonstrate that one impacts the other

Offering context, perspective, and goals helps people see the big picture. Connecting the dots between their job and the future reinforces that their actions and behaviors contribute to (or contaminate) the potential for that better future.

When we lead, we have the opportunity to help people become bigger, better, bolder versions of themselves.

We just need to remember to sell the future in the chaos of the present…

ps. Robert Middleton’s article: https://actionplan.club/what-are-you-really-selling